Listen to them and they just might listen to you…

November 20, 2009

unconditional_parentingSo there is a very funny, incredibly loud, stay-at-home dad at my girls’ pre-school who would not stop talking about this book!   One day at morning drop-off he strode in, book in hand, and proclaimed  “Got my kid to not fight me to get out of the house in the morning and it only took one conversation.”   Granted, this peaked my interest to say the least, but I have found myself struggling lately with the fact that most of my requests fall on deaf ears these days.

Unconditional Parenting is a book that I had a love/hate relationship with but in the final analysis – it made a lot of sense.  It takes direct aim at many of the popular parenting tactics today and clearly defends how threats, punishments, bribes and time-outs simply don’t work, and might erode a child’s self esteem.  In my house we have good days and bad days but the most annoying part of the whole thing is the sound of my own voice being on repeat to get something accomplished.

The author believes that “the way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions” and that our job as parents is to empower them whenever we can.  

I try to not be too controlling on most fronts but I do like to keep a schedule, especially when it comes to sleep…. but when the 108th “can I ask you a question mommy?” and “tuck me in again, mommy” comes echoing from the room when they were supposed to be asleep 45 minutes ago I start to lose it.

“It is very difficult to make a child eat a meal and it’s simply impossible to force a child to go to sleep, or stop crying, or listen, or respect us.” Phew – so it’s not just me?  He even makes a strong case against the use of “praise” and to really only throw out the “good jobs” and “I am proud of you” for when it really is called for.    It’s true – I too fell prey to the “good job” thing.

I found the harshness refreshing and to be honest, it made me feel more confident and less alone in my struggle.  Sometimes it just helps to stop, take a breath, and really really talk to your child – try to figure out how they feel and what they need.  Turn the power over to them a little bit and see what happens.

Next book this dad has been yapping about is Nurture Shock.  Reading that now…will keep you posted.  I like this guy’s reading list….



Comments (3)

November 20, 2009

I just bought this book! You’ve sold me.

Hopefully it will, like you said, put an end to the incessant threats, time-outs, scoldings that spring from my mouth all day long!

November 20, 2009

Yes, me too………

I will buy a copy today!

November 21, 2009

It is a great book, thoughtful parenting. He makes a good case for why we should parent with respect. It will change how you view punishments, rewards, etc for both your children and management in the workplace.

However, for day to day issues, I think a good addition to this book is, “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” , the authors give a glowing recommendation of Kohn’s book. It gives the step by step of how to apply these methods for day to day scenarios.

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