I had to fire the nanny!
Back in June when I had to return to work after my 7 month maternity leave we agreed that we would find a nanny for our daughter. We thought she was too young for nursery school and we feared all the illnesses that children get the first year they spend in community. We looked at a few nannies (too few probably) and then settled for the cousin of the girl who works full time for our neighbour. She had no experience with kids but she was young and cheerful (too cheerful probably) and of Hispanic origin. We thought she would be a better match than other nationalities, both for language and culture.
From the very beginning I tried to build a relationship with her that was based on trust, not strictly a work relationship. I thought that since she would be taking care of my daughter she would become part of our family life.
I helped her when she was flat hunting and offered her our flat for two weeks if the search wasn’t successful. After the summer vacation I was home a lot during the day because my older son was starting a new school; those days I would cook lunch for all of us and she would sit with us as part of our family.
In her job specs it was clearly stated that she didn’t have to do house-chores, this was to avoid conflicts with childcare. If the baby was sleeping, she could rest. In hindsight I should have been more demanding and kept her more busy. Everything went smoothly until last Friday when I unexpectedly returned home just 45 minutes after I left because I had forgotten my mobile phone.
I rang the bell quite a few times and got no answer for a good 5 minutes. When she finally opened the door she had a kitchen rug in her hand and claimed she could not hear me because she was rinsing the sink. Unfortunately for her I spotted the baby monitor on the table in the living room next to my laptop. That afternoon I checked the history files and confirmed that she had used the computer to check her email, read the newspaper and play around with some Hispanic facebook-like networking site. Hoping that this was a one-off event I checked the files for Thursday and Wednesday. That’s how I discovered that she went on some porn sites and was extensively using online dating applications. You can imagine how mad I was, and the sort of thoughts that spiraled through my mind. I could not believe my life was turning into one of these stories that you read in weekly gossip magazines at the hairdresser. I felt mad and let down. How could she behave like this while looking after my innocent little daughter? How misplaced my trust had been, and how much time I wasted in helping her and in instructing her.
But on top of it, how could she think she was not going to be caught?
That’s the only consolation I have: she was very stupid… too stupid to look after a 9-month-old little girl!
-Michela
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Stupid? Not only stupid if she really thought not to be discovered.In any case you ‘ve been a holy one.If I should find myself in the same situation “to fire” would be the softest verb I could use.Porn websites? Dating sites? What? With the small tiny girl maybe even looking at all this? Incredible, in any case it is not your mistake, people appear many times much different than what they really are.An advise? To find a realiable nanny , go to some schools and leave a message to other moms and to teachers.Many of them will certainly have had nannies, and be sure they will tell you just names of those who were really good, clean, sincere and realiable.
A hug
Antonella
I so feel for you. I’m quite the same way- too trusting of everybody!!
Though I have to say…. I wouldn’t mind if my babysitter was using my computer to check e-mail while my kids were sleeping…. but porn is a totally different thing entirely!
And what I think is the weirdest is that she was trying so hard to hide it… not answering the door for five minutes and then making up some lie about it!!
Shame on her!
How awful!
And she was the cousin of the full time help of your neighbour, so in fact she did have a good reference in some way or the other. What did the neighbour say?
Anyway, this is indeed not your fault at all. Well, maybe you’ve been too nice!
It’s true, you can never really tell beforehand…
I don’t mind it when my baby sitter uses the computer when she babysits at night (I don’t expect her to be looking at porn though!!), but during the day she’s helping me with the laundry!
What a silly girl. I hope she feels really stupid now!
It is so hard leaving your kids with someone unknown and you feel so vulnerable, but you have to do it at some point. Especially if you don’t have a huge amount of family around!
I luckly never needed a nunny so far, but I can tell you, if you don’t know already that Churchs also are often a center point where needs and demands gathered. Especially for house help of any kinds (from chores, to nursing, to nanny, etc). Try your local one by asking some of the ladies or nuns in the Oratorio.
Quite few families I know found there a precious and reliable help.
Good luck!
It’s just bad luck. You have to be trusting to a point, you have to build some kind of relationship, so it can work in the first place. It doesn’t matter what she was or wasn’t doing, if you had any sense of mistrust, it will never work. I have a nine month old too and we do not have family around, and we have to have some kind of childcare arrangement. I opted for a nursery just two days a week, and I arrange my work around that. I feel that as long as you find a great one, the enviroment is a pretty good. My daughter plays with lots of new toys, has interaction with other children and new adults, which I think is a good thing. As for illness well I don’t think we can put them in a bubble, and exposure to germs is a good thing, helps build up her immune system. Chicken pox is better as a baby.
Investigate the option, if you find a good nursery it does work, and don’t feel bad about doing the right thing with the nanny.
Bottom line is we will always feel guilty about any option we choose! There is no standard solution to having it all, we have to do what is right for us and then our kids will be ok. I think that I am a better mother because I work, as long as my daughter is safe and happy, all is well.
Thanks for this post; was helpful to me as I am dealing with some issues with my nanny too. Not porn or anything, but she is just difficult to be around (and I am home with her a lot). It’s hard for me to find a way to fire her when there hasn’t been any gross misconduct. It’s more of a personality clash, though she is really fantastic with my son. So I am interested in other people’s experiences and perspectives on help at home.
have to say Jennifer that if you do not get on with a nanny your son will feel the vibe at some point, and do you really want to feel so uncomfortable in your own home!
Michela, what an unfortunate situation. I do recommend you have a list of specific questions and house rules for when you begin interviewing again. Babycenter has a good list. Just one note: I don’t understand why you mentioned that she was Hispanic. It comes off being a bit r%%%%t. I am Hispanic and have a fantastic Hispanic nanny as well. Not all Hispanics are into pornography or irresponsible.
Shawn: I just mentioned that she was of Hispanic origin just to stress that I really looked for somebody with whom it would be easier to create a special connection! In Milan many nannies are from central or south america and I think it’s because they are wonderful loving people to whom Italians feel closer for culture, tradition and religion.
On the side, I would have been happy to let her use the computer when my daughter was asleep but I think she should have asked permission first. BUT from the history files I could see that she was using the computer as soon as I left the flat when the baby was definitely awake!
so, what is the next option? another nanny or day care? i finally accepted that my desperate seek for mary poppins was useless and hired a nanny with very limited experience but very willing to learn and do well (in such cases, lack of experience may even be an advantage as the nanny will do exactly as you teach her). everything is going fine (haven’t forgotten my mobile at home yet so who knows?) but still have this constant question: wouldn’t she (my 10 month old daughter) be more secure and have more fun in day care ?
was it lots and lots of porn? some of those social networking and dating sites have automatic porn pop ups.
i just can’t see porn achieving any sort of purpose under these circumstances.
not cool though if baby was awake. definitely not.
why can’t we all have babysitters like esther’s who make imaginative scenes out of blocks!
Awful story, but I am sure there are many equally bad or worse out there. I have a friend who hired a live-in nanny, who they disco vered had boulimia and was eating all their food while they were out. Desperite to keep her and wanting to help her (after quite some bad nannies-experiences)they had to hide all their cookies etc in their car when she was left alone in the house!!! Till friends told them they were crazy and they fired her….
I had some bad nannies, but in the end found a lovely one. Hope she will stay quite a while (which is always the next worry when you finally find somebody good)!
I know, I am very lucky. My nanny is adorable, I love her.
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She is of Hispanic origin, by the way
xE
I feel sorry for you. check online monitor systems for your home, they work pretty well. Our nanny is hispanic too, great person as far as we know. I guess you didn’t want to sound r%%%%t mentioning it but just add another detail to the story
While I empathize with your situation, I don’t understand why it was necessary for you to repeatedly mention that she was Hispanic and that she visited Hispanic-faceboo sites. Not only did it overshadow your entire story, but it reads very poorly. I am not condoning the employee’s actions AT ALL, but there is absolutely no relevance to her ethnicity. Please reread your post and realize that you have a responsibility to be more sensitive about the way you characterize people of a certain origin. Would you have repeatedly mentioned that she was caucasian and that she visited a caucasian facebook? I am disturbed…
Nilda,
Thank you for your comment, but I really must clarify. Michela is NOT r%%%%t in any way. If she was r%%%%t, and if she did have a problem with Hispanics, she would never have hired her in the first place. She was clearly adding it as part of her story, talking about trying to find someone who would fit in with her family, culturally and linguistically. (She probably preferred a hispanic over a Caucasian for that very reason!) Michela has said nothing wrong about Hispanics, and I think you are mistaken to think so. It was just a piece of her story.
Also, Michela only mentions ONCE that she was Hispanic, not ‘repeatedly’…..
Nilda: I already posted a reply comment to explain why I mentioned she was hispanic. Regarding the website she was visiting, I didn’t have the time nor the interest in looking at what she was really doing. My impression what that it was a networking site and that it was in Spanish, full stop. The important thing is that she went on a porn site, a youtube like porn site, while babysitting. I’m pretty darn sure it was out of curiosity but childcare is a very delicate matter and I could not take the risk.
I was really mad at her, because I felt let down… even more because she came from a culture where family ties are important. If she was from Mars I would have probably been less mad at her, she would have had the excuse of coming from a completely different world.
Courtney and Michela, I never stated (nor believed) that there was any racism involved. I stated that there was a lack of sensitivity and awareness of the manner in which Hispanics were characterized in this post – that is a very different thing. I believe the fact that there were multiple comments pointing this out as well as in defense of others’ Hispanic nanies proves the only point I was making: that your post didn’t read well and could be misinterpreted to mean that you believed there was a connection to her ethnicity.
As I said, I do not condone her actions. I would have been disappointed and fired her as well, but I know that I, myself, would not have included her ethnicity in my own post (whether it was Hispanic or not). Maybe it’s my background in employment discrimination law…
p.s. Courtney, mentioning that it was a Hispanic facebook implies that the user is Hispanic, therefore reiterating the ethnic origin of the nanny.
Thank you.
Nilda, I am Italian and believe me, if Michela had written that the nanny was Italian and was using an Italian facebook, that, for me would have been the last thing to be worried about.
The nanny was Hispanic? Ok, that’s all.
I do not think that ALL Hispanic are like the nanny, I do not think that ALL Hispanic have bad attitudes.Come on. That would mean to generalize, and, from the deep of my heart, reading what Michela writes here, the last thing she does is to generalize.In any case she stressed many times that having chosen an Hispanic nanny had been a precise choice to live with a person who has many things in common with us, latin people.
Why don’t you read also these parts of the speech? You just focused on what seems to be your obsession.
I am very sorry but you are going on with a polemics which will never end.
All here are talking about children, different habits and different people.I do not think that there is any other comment to do.
Antonella who has many friends in Cuba (just visit Joani Sanchez blog GenerationY), in Portorico (one of my best friends IS HISPANIC and I adore her being proud of having such a friend!!!!) and so on…
I am a lawyer too and I think you are putting us in a bad light. The reference to hispanic was clearly meant as a positive point on culture the spanish are well known for their great sense of family and their attitude towards children. I think you comments are wrong although everyone is entitled to their opinion.
Thank you, Jude, you are right, we are all entitled to our opinions and I have expressed mine succinctly. (You should know that nothing is “clear” when it is subjective.)
Difference in opinion is great, it’s what makes Antonella & I disagree (so no, Antonella, it’s not ok, hence my comment, but you don’t have to agree with me either). If you don’t agree that we should think about how our words can affect others on a blog, fine. I know I’m certainly not alone (reread the comments) in my interpretation. Mucha suerte!
This is one reason among many why I would not trust anyone but myself to raise my children.
Nilda
as you know Nilda, in law we work on what’s reasonable,and I think that it is reasonable and right to conclude that the reference was not meant in a derogatory way at all. The context I think substantiates that. I do agree that we all have a responsibility in terms of what we say, and I think Michela’s piece represented exactly what this blog is about – a slice of life, of her life. You have instigated a debate though which is always good.
But the debate has been good!
(so no, Antonella, it’s not ok, hence my comment)..
I’m very sorry for you Nilda, but I am sure that I am ok.
And here is the stop to all my comments.
You can go on years by replying, and I won’t for sure go on reading nonsense.
I speak and discuss with reasonable people, not with whom is always convinced that other people are wrong.
Stay in your small courtyard and all the best for your narrow minded future.
Best Regards
Antonella
Yes! The debate has been good. I think it’s interesting that here in Europe we reference people’s cultural background all the time. If I’m talking about Esther to someone who doesn’t know her, I often say, “My Dutch friend, Esther”. Also, because of the huge diversity of Europe, a person’s nationality is often talked about and mentioned.
Michela was mentioning that her nanny was Hispanic because she was highlighting how it was her preference to hire someone with a similar culture. Mentioning that it was a ‘hispanic facebook’ was simply pointing out that it wasn’t actually ‘facebook’, but a similar version in Spanish.
Also, the term ‘Hispanic’ was originally used to refer to people from modern-day Spain, Portugal, Andorra and Gibraltar. Now, it is commonly used to describe Spanish-speaking people in general. If Michela had used the term “Spanish”, no one would have been offended. But for some reason the word “Hispanic” triggered everyone’s sensitivity.
Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but here in Europe people are not sensitive to the word “hispanic”, just as they are not sensitive to the words “French”, “English”, “Dutch” or “Italian”.
In the end, we are sorry if anyone was offended. It was not at all meant to offend or categorize any one nationality.
Thank you all for your comments. We really do love receiving people’s input!
-Courtney
Hi Michela,
Am currently in the same situation …and am beating myself up for being so naive. … its keeping me up tonight. … its reassuring to know I am not the only one going through this